Relaxed look. Two days before I was natural.
Above is a picture of me with relaxed hair. I looked good right? Actually, I thought I looked great. My look was clean, edgy, with a smidgit of personality. It "perfectly" suited me. My hair wasn't over relaxed, falling out in huge clumps, or unhealthy. As a matter of fact, father taught me how to cut and trim my hair and I had the ability to maintain my short spiky hair-do without a single thought. So with that written, you are probably wondering and thinking, "why I decided to return to my natural roots?"
Aye, well there's the rub my friends (as Shakespeare use to write in his plays). It is because relaxed was no longer me. The look above is what I thought I was suppose to look like. I looked awesome, but I wasn't happy. The picture above was taken after I had succumbed to the weakness of going back to what I considered the norm and bought a relaxer. I felt that my hair made me and my personality. When I was sad, I cut my hair. When I was happy, I bought a wig. When I was confused I cut it all off. My hair was becoming my punching bag. I have to laugh now wondering what my bosses, friends, family and classmates thought when I showed up with short hair one week, long hair the next, and then no hair at all.
For me, as a black woman, I really didn't think about such things (the multiple changes), well not until now that is. Many don't know or understand this, but it is culturally acceptable and the norm for black women to have a connection with their hair as well as the ability to change it often. It was one way we could exert control over something as well as express ourselves. But for me, I started to observe that these constant changes were having an affect on me and my well being.
The decision to change
It was no longer a "cultural thing", but started becoming a coping mechanism. At one time, my hair would have stayed one way for long periods of time, but in the past three years I have not been able to have one stable or continuous look. The constant changes became my way of covering up bits of me that just didn't feel right or fit anymore. Somewhere, the the real me wasn't beautiful and I was no longer authentic. I became lost, what changed to what I thought others would like, what made me look prettier, and what make me feel a part of something.
Does this look like me?
I become natural, because I wanted to let all of that go. I wanted to have a fresh start and not have the stress on me that was making me unhappy, making me anxious all the time, making my hair thin from the constant changes. I became natural because I want to learn stability, to appreciate myself and my natural beauty, and to become comfortable with me. For so long I have walked this Earth and never really "Lived". I want to get to know me. I want to be happy with me. I want to say to God, thank you for making me with my 3b thick hair, my rose pink lips, huge dark eyes, and thick thighs. I want to look in someone's face and not think, "are they looking at my hair?" and "I look stupid with this wig on". I want to radiate confidence in myself once more and not base my well being on what I think others looks good on me or what I look like. I no longer want to be "fake". I want to watch myself bloom in all things. This is not just about my hair, it is about all that is and within me. My hair just happens to be a catalyst to a means to a new beginning.
Hair regimen for today (after I run)....
Aphogee Protien Solution
Hair wash
Paul Mitchell Mint Shampoo
Fantastic Sam Conditioner
Motions Professional CPR Triple Action Leave in Conditioner
Massage with Lust Organics Hair Creme
Peace of Christ
